control and submission

I got up this morning and felt pretty much very frustrated about life. First i have to blame it on my "M" ..yes it is time again. Second, I have been very bothered by the fact that I can't meet up with James. Yes, this is the new James. I want to meet him face to face so badly. Not sure why, most likely to get a feeling of whether if the relationship is realistic or not. Also in some weird sense it will give me some control and idea of where things are heading. This is always the case, curiosity always get me into trouble. Thinking that the unknown will give me a better chance, a happier state and fuller experience. Looking back it has always gone the opposite way. Why am I not learning from my previous mistakes. Having to meet him will really get me no way except wanting more if i like him and I don't then it is just another big disappointment. In many ways, I ready know this is a bad situation. He is too liberal and doesn't think he has time for a real relationship. We are at the opposite of many spectrum, political, moral and etc. I have to plan out most things and he is very spontaneous. It is almost a death wish to think that i want to be with him. Is this a way that God is protecting me from him? God, you are telling me to guard my heart, so should I stop talking to him? You know I am weak at this, so please protect me and let me do the right thing. I don't want to live a failing life. Why is the lesson of submission so hard to learn? I have seen the consequences of rebellious yet I am repeating it again. God, please let me learn to yield to your will.