control and submission

I got up this morning and felt pretty much very frustrated about life. First i have to blame it on my "M" ..yes it is time again. Second, I have been very bothered by the fact that I can't meet up with James. Yes, this is the new James. I want to meet him face to face so badly. Not sure why, most likely to get a feeling of whether if the relationship is realistic or not. Also in some weird sense it will give me some control and idea of where things are heading. This is always the case, curiosity always get me into trouble. Thinking that the unknown will give me a better chance, a happier state and fuller experience. Looking back it has always gone the opposite way. Why am I not learning from my previous mistakes. Having to meet him will really get me no way except wanting more if i like him and I don't then it is just another big disappointment. In many ways, I ready know this is a bad situation. He is too liberal and doesn't think he has time for a real relationship. We are at the opposite of many spectrum, political, moral and etc. I have to plan out most things and he is very spontaneous. It is almost a death wish to think that i want to be with him. Is this a way that God is protecting me from him? God, you are telling me to guard my heart, so should I stop talking to him? You know I am weak at this, so please protect me and let me do the right thing. I don't want to live a failing life. Why is the lesson of submission so hard to learn? I have seen the consequences of rebellious yet I am repeating it again. God, please let me learn to yield to your will.

No news

Current situation is really hard to take. Deadend job, life is stuck and nothing is moving. Every day and night is a struggle. Body feels like it is falling apart. I pray to GOd for help but it feels like nothing is happening. What to do? How am I to live to have some meaning in life. What's my purpose? How am I to please HIM and indirectly becomes a happy person? So exhausted in seeking my purpose. HELP.

Reckless

Can't concentrate today. Have you ever look at something far away and then once you look close it is not attractive anymore? Yeah, need to look closer. So sick of having to document everything. Why are people so lazy? If each of us is to do our job, everything will be better off. Sigh.
He is on my mind...can't get rid of him. WHY!!!!
One more thing ...11 lbs to go!!!

what....health problem?

Got my result from the routine checkup. Thyroid and pre-diabetic? It explains why I am always tired. Now I have to watch my diet and start eating carbs, at least cut it down. It is allplaying portion control.

The news come as a big disappointment. I still want to have kids and having all the pre symptom is just bad. I am now already in the high risk group and now additional factors? What is going on? Is this the sign God is giving me? That I might not have any kids after all? Really am depress about it.

Waiting

Tuesday already, still no sign on anything. What is there to expect?
Still waiting...........

long long week

This is going to be a very long week. So aimlessly looking for meaning....

sign

how come when i get to this page, i stop having anything i want to wrtie? I did thought of many things during my swim...what happened? Just too lazy?
This week, I am asking God to show me a sign. a sign showing me that he does care for me. Most of the time, i don't know if anyone really care if I exist or not. I am on my own for 90% of the time. If I am to choke and die in my apartment, I don't think people will start looking until a week later..pretty sad i must say. Probably my cats would start eating me since they would get really really hungry. Sometimes it is just better to be an animal, just go w/ whatever nature provide, can't complain. NO freedom to choose nor understand.
At worship today, saw this baby in front of me, he was really cute! Now I understand why Helen never hold a baby, just too emotional! You know when you get strongest desire to have something and you knew that the possiblities is getting smaller and smaller..it just kills you! Ha, i don't think i want to hold a baby either...probably I would have an emotional breakdown too!
back to sign..yes , i want to know that He still cares and that I will get to have my own family...is that too much to ask for? I am not testing you, i just need reassurance.
ANother thing, I am quitting my addiction..you know what that is...need to stop, so pointless!
alright, let's see how things turn out